As we head into Week 6, some of you may be wondering how to fix the ever-growing holes in your lineups. Well, tough shit, I've got the same problem. Just remember what Nicole Kidman said to Tom Cruise in Days Of Thunder: "Control is an illusion... no one knows what's gonna happen next!" Nicole must play fantasy football. Here's my starts and sits for Week 6!
Jimmy Graham (TE - SEA) VS. ATL
"Ohh, that Golden Graham, ohhh that Golden Graham"… "Jimmy crack Jets, and I don’t care. Jimmy crack 49ers, and I don’t care"... AND laugh, because these 49ers couldn't pan a piece of gold in the jewelry district. Furthermore, the Falcons have been far more generous to Tight Ends than either of these teams. Jimmy Graham’s back, the goal posts are afraid, and he’s looking to play some catch up with his numbers.
RANKING: VOODOO BREWING MANBEARPIG DOUBLE STOUT
Martellus Bennett (TE - NE) VS. CIN
Gronk will likely sit out this game, and we saw a reminder of what a properly used Bennett can do last week against Cleveland. While it’s true the Browns are legendarily bad against the Tight End position, this year, this valuable member of the Brady Bunch should be a lock for at least low TE1 numbers. Also, Angry Tom Brady.
RANKING: TREE HOUSE BREWING JUICE MACHINE IIPA
Buffalo Bils (DEF) VS. SF
I can’t fully express how badly the 49ers suck ass right now. That reminds me of a song!! "Ooooo that smell... can't you smell that smell...?" We’re talking copious amounts of tender ass served with a delicious butt ganache and drizzled with a savory ass reduction. Garnish the finished dish with some fresh wild ass scrapings, and you have the 49ers. Oh yeah... the Bills Defense is really good right now!
RANKING: KANE BREWING SUNDAY BRUNCH IMPERIAL MILK PORTER
Brian Hoyer (QB - CHI) VS JAX
Hoyer has been putting up brilliant numbers for the last three weeks, and the Jags are just the team to help him make it four. I’ll take a 300-2-0 stat line any day of the week.
RANKING: TOPPLING GOLIATH BREWING PSEUDOSUE
Larry Fitzgerald (WR - ARI) VS. NYJ
Somewhere around Florida, Juan Ponce de León is lying in a back alley, bleeding out. Clearly, freak of nature Larry Fitzgerry clearly mugged the fabled Spanish Explorer for directions to The Fountain Of Youth, and Fitz is knocking the magic waters back like a smooth Belgian Trappist ale. Meanwhile, the Jets historically tragic secondary continues to live down to its reputation. Lots of weapons dot the field for the Cards, but this one spells big returns for Larry The Younger.
RANKING: TRILLIUM BREWING SCALED WAY UP IIPA
Matt Jones (RB - WAS) VS. PHI
This division rivalry features a mediocre lead back against a substantial defense, and the numbers should reflect this. Sit Jones even for players like Theo Riddick, T.J. Yeldon, or Betty White.
RANKING: MICHELOB ULTRA FRUIT POMEGRANATE RASPBERRY
Kirk Cousins (QB - WAS) VS. PHI
You LIKE that?!?... No, I don't, not this week.
RANKING: GROLSCH AMSTERDAM MAXIMATOR
Jacob Tamme (TE - ATL) @ SEA
It’s Jacob Tamme… at Seahawks. It’s the third toughest defense against the position, at home where they tend to really excel, playing against the third least likely offense to get the ball to their Tight End. Next…
RANKING: DOG BITE HIGH GRAVITY LAGER
Josh Brown (K - NYG) VS. BAL
Aw, hell, let’s throw a Kicker into the mix. Brown is an uncharacteristic NFL Kicker, in that his last name doesn’t start on one arm and go all the way to the other arm on his jersey. That’s a thing. He had disappointing games against Minnesota and Dallas, and the Ravens are stingier to the position than either of those teams.
RANKING: BUDWEISER SELECT
Jeremy Kerley (WR - SF) @ BUF
In the last two weeks, Kerley has been more than serviceable under Yo Gabba Gabbert. But, Kaepernick’s back, and the chemistry might not instantly be there. Also, The Bills’ secondary is nothing to shake a stick at. I would not look for WR1 numbers this week, but he may be a decent flex play.
RANKING: BALLAST POINT MANGO EVEN KEEL
Jeffrey Gray is a fire spinner, actor, fitness consultant, and works with M.D. and Osteopathic students on clinical skills. Fantasy Football has ruined his life, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Unless, squirrel! You can reach him on Twitter @graydog or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Jeff "The Guru" Gray owns Gray Area Fitness, has a BA in Biology from Whittier College, works with osteopathic and medical students at 2 universities, is an avid shooter, acts, writes, and spins fire. Animal lover, Burner, traveller, fantasy football analyst, he's just your typical Tourette's/A.D.D. kid from the suburbs. He currently looks after his codependent dog and neurotic cat. Passion and experience sums it up for The Guru, and new destinations, great shows, cars, and crazy animal adventures are always within his purvey.