Week 5 is upon us! This is when Fantasy Football starts to get real. Now is the time to fill the holes on your rosters left by injuries, arrests, non-starters... Do you need to initiate a trade? Remember the old adage... "Buy low, sell high." Also, the Waiver Wires in your leagues should be looking pretty dismal this week, so do your research before you press that Submit button!
Carson Wentz (QB - PHI) @ DET
This young man has been more than impressive in his first four NFL games. The same cannot be said about the Lions’ secondary.
RATING: FAT HEAD'S HOP JUJU IMPERIAL IPA
Michael Crabtree (WR - OAK) VS. SD
The Crab People have returned! He’s getting the targets. He’s getting it done. The Chargers' Defense is a mess. Even half of last week's performance would be a gimme.
RATING: PERENNIAL ARTISAN ALES BARREL-AGED ABRAXAS
DeSean Jackson (WR - WAS) @ BAL
Because he can’t suck as badly as he did last week. Also, if he gets matched up against Shareece Wright (CB - BAL), it could be a huge day. Just ask Corey Coleman, Allen Robinson, and Michael Crabtree, the latter of whom you are already starting, because we said so.
RATING: TRILLIUM BREWING HEADROOM IMPERIAL IPA
Pittsburgh Steelers (DEF) VS. NYJ
The Steelers did well against the Chiefs last week, who have a similar strength of offense to that of the Jets. Fitzmagic (thank you, John Hansen) has been struggling the last few weeks, and has turned the ball over NINE times.
RANKING: DESCHUTES RYE WHISKEY BARREL-AGED ABYSS
Any Goddamn Patriot Worth Starting (__ - NE) @ CLE
Sing along with me! Angry Tom Brady…la la la… Angry Tom Brady…doo doo doo…
RANKING: RUSSIAN RIVER PLINY THE YOUNGER
Tevin Coleman (RB - ATL) @ DEN
It’s time for... The Doctor’s Son’s Column, With Jeffrey Gray! Hi folks. Sickle Cell Disease is a mutation in the hemoglobin-Beta gene found on chromosome 11. Long story short, it sucks ass. Tevin Coleman has the Sickle Cell Trait. This is the case when a person inherits one sickle cell gene, and one normal gene. A small percentage of people with SCT can experience complications of SCD, although researchers currently do not know why. Conditions which exacerbate these problems include: increased atmospheric pressure, low oxygen levels, dehydration, and high altitudes. The latter condition tends to insure the first two. Dehydration should not be a problem for the recently red hot Coleman, but playing at Mile High Stadium certainly could. Expect for him to perform in a limited capacity role this Sunday.
RANKING: SCHLITZ BULL ICE I.M.L.
Dwayne Allen (TE - IND) VS. CHI
Just keep sitting…just keep sitting (thank you, Dory)!
RANKING: MOLSON XXX
Deandre Hopkins (WR - HOU) @ MIN
This one is my bold prediction for Week 5. I don’t ever want to sit this guy. I discovered Hopkins’ fantasy appeal a year-and-a-half before anyone else around me did. I feel like I just cut on myself. This feels unnatural. But, Jesus, DeAndre! Also, the Minnesota Vikings are playing like friggin’ sharks with friggin’ laser beams attached to their heads.
RANKING: PABST BREWING LONE STAR BEER
Cameron Artis-Payne (RB - CAR) VS. TB
Really? The “Artis formerly known as Payne” (thank you, again, John Hansen) has not only failed to dazzle when opportunity presents itself, he just failed, period. And, opportunities tend to abound when you have an injury happy RB1 like Jonathan Stewart, who would be regularly be a top twelve back in the NFL if he could just… stay… HEALTHY!
RANKING: CAMO SILVER ICE
Cleveland Browns (DEF) VS. NE
Angry Tom Brady is back, and he is angrier than he was last season, when they actually let him play. And it was uuuuuugly. History is going to repeat itself, and with apologies to our more sensitive viewers…The Browns are about to get fucked… hard… sans lube. I’m outta here! Good luck with your lineups!!
RANKING: MILLER BREWING RED DOG
Jeffrey Gray is a fire spinner, actor, fitness consultant, and works with M.D. and Osteopathic students on clinical skills. Fantasy Football has ruined his life, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Unless, squirrel! You can reach him on Twitter @graydog or email email@example.com.
Jeff "The Guru" Gray owns Gray Area Fitness, has a BA in Biology from Whittier College, works with osteopathic and medical students at 2 universities, is an avid shooter, acts, writes, and spins fire. Animal lover, Burner, traveller, fantasy football analyst, he's just your typical Tourette's/A.D.D. kid from the suburbs. He currently looks after his codependent dog and neurotic cat. Passion and experience sums it up for The Guru, and new destinations, great shows, cars, and crazy animal adventures are always within his purvey.