Many times I have laughed at the name Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (the political joke potential is endless). Then I realized you literally can’t say the name without laughing. There are and have been many an offbeat name making it’s way up the gridiron ladder. Here are a list of people we only wish were great in fantasy scoring. The smack talk would be so much more fun!
I was nursing a small cold last week and about to take a shot of D’Qwell, and thought “You know what? There are some very amusing names in and around the world of football!” Just ask Barkevius Mingo, OLB for the Cleveland Browns. It sounds like the name of a wild Australian bush dog. This particular mingo phenotype (B. mingo) carries a paralytic neurotoxin that blocks an Aussie footballer’s ability to put on pads. Do not try to capture a mingo on your own.
I’m not terribly superstitious, but there’s just something about having a Kicker named Chris Blewitt (University of Pittsburgh) that just doesn’t sit well with me. Every pun loving journalist whore is just waiting for the chance…
So, what’s with all this crap, anyway, you ask? Why don’t you ask Craphonso Thorpe? A promising young Wideout with the Florida State Seminoles who never quite made it when he changed tribes to go to the Chiefs. I guess they thought his playing was… crappy?
Would you like to see some Lucious Pusey in the NFL? Me too!! Not gonna happen. The former Linebacker from Eastern Illinois University never made the cut, and he changed his last name to Seymour. Some parents are real assholes.
There is nothing quite like a Fair Hooker who is also a Wide Receiver. Such was the majesty of the epic ’70s!
Watch out for this guy coming up the middle! How does a Tight End by the name of Jake Butt (Michigan Wolverines) grab you?
Or, Kyle Sackrider, formerly a TE for Michigan State? Does Illinois have a monopoly on horrible Tight End nomenclature irony?
If you have a problem with any of this, you can contact the law firm of BenJarvus Green-Ellis, c/o the Cincinnati Bengals.
I could go on. I would love to talk to you about Johnny Dickshot and Rusty Kuntz, but one was a baseball player during WWII, and the other has a 1984 World Series ring with the KC Royals. And it's time for football now. So strap in!
As a bonus, here's a few other glorious names from the sports world that'll make you giggle like a drunken 12 year old.
Jeff "The Guru" Gray owns Gray Area Fitness, has a BA in Biology from Whittier College, works with osteopathic and medical students at 2 universities, is an avid shooter, acts, writes, and spins fire. Animal lover, Burner, traveller, fantasy football analyst, he's just your typical Tourette's/A.D.D. kid from the suburbs. He currently looks after his codependent dog and neurotic cat. Passion and experience sums it up for The Guru, and new destinations, great shows, cars, and crazy animal adventures are always within his purvey.