An open letter to all fans of 'Mericas most beloved sport, delivered on behalf of restaurant/bar/brothel workers everywhere...
Most Americans wake up in the morning, well rested and semi-erect, eager as a beaver to partake in one of the best days of their year. Sunday of Week 1 of the NFL Season. Some will stay home and munch on pizza, frozen chicken wings, and the occasional halftime vageene. Others will head out to the half a million bars across the country, those bars hoping to get a small sliver of that sweet sweet NFL crowd pie. ($$$$)
Just a few pointers from the people on the other side of the bar/table/front lines.
1. We WANT you to be happy.
First and foremost, understand that for 100 percent of the people that walk in the door, we want to provide you with the best experience possible. When you are happy, you spend more money, you come back, you talk well of us, and most of all, you tip more. We like that. Our superiors like all of that. However, that 100 percent number diminishes quickly based on certain rude, some might even say DOUCHE-Y behavior. Let elaborate on that in point number...
2. Don't be a screaming jackass.
Here's the thing. The nature of the game and the fans is LOUD. And that's ok. You're all having a great time and that's what we are here to host. But for fucks sake, have some mercy on our poor ears. The screaming hurts! Realize that most of the staff has been clocked in since before 8:30am. It's likely we also worked a shift until after midnight the night prior, got less than 6 hours sleep, and are now working a 9 hour shift today, the day of our Lord. Have a little sympathy when screaming in our faces!
3. You can't always get your shitty small market team on the TV.
As a worker in a sports bar with 32 TVs, we can accommodate MOSTLY everyone. But realize mostly does not mean all. We literally play politics. We try to please the most amount of people, while pissing off the least. The sad fact is NOT EVERY SINGLE PERSON CAN GET EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. Management will decide what 75 percent of the tvs will be tuned to based on general consensus of demand. We will also decide what the house sound will be on, again depending on demand. Please feel free to politely ask if any of these might be changed. (don't bother with the big TVs dummy, those are obviously set! ) And to be honest, I don't care about your personal opinion about our choice of game placement, sound, or anything else otherwise! It's set the way it's set for a reason. Jesus might love you but if you continue to bitch about not being able to see the Bengals on the only 80 inch TV then SUCK MY BALLS. If your team sucks, better get there early and hope there's a free TV, if then. But sorry, you might be S.O.L., dick.
4. We're fucking busy. Shit might take longer.
One word. PATIENCE. As mentioned before, we want to keep EVERYONE happy. Realize that we get hit with a full restaurant worth of drinks, food, checks, tv changes, complaints, phone calls, running out of this or that, someone's kid tripped and chipped their dumb tooth, a wait of 30 in the lobby, Carlos the dishwasher is in jail, some one wants cornhole set up, customer on 38 NEEDS the TV turned up. We can only do one thing, and that is PRIORITIZE. First and foremost comes drinks, food, and checks. Then everything else. Don't frantically wave your hands at us because your game started 48 seconds ago. I promise you someone is taking care of it. Be happy you live in a goddamn world where that's your biggest problem. For fucks sake, half the time the game is coming on directly on the same channel that the game playing is on. WE KNOW. Be patient and let us do our thing. Assfuck.
5. Camping isn't free.
To campers and single people who want big tables to themselves. Please know that we appreciate you and your business. But FYI, if you are going to take up a seat at the bar, or at a table for 6 hours and have a 8 dollar bill for Iced Tea (7 refills), and a side of fries(3 sides of ranch) you better take care of us ($$) or be as nice as the goddamn Mother Teresa (God rest her soul and her propensity for generous tipping). You want a high top table that sits 4 to yourself? Absolutely.......right up until we are full and we need those seats.. Then guess what... You just made your first friends! Congrats! I don't think you'll keep them, but good luck you smelly turd single dork. Seriously.. Why are you out?? You can have the whole goddamn couch/ studio apartment to yourself! We will even donate stained whitey tighties for you. Fuck you.
6. ...but campers can be cool.
Ok, number 5 came off a little mean. I apologize. There's some single campers that are great people. Like I said be very polite and patient, tip well, help us or one or all of those things and it's cool. Just don't be an NFL package leech. At the end of the day staff and ownership are here for one thing, so let's all strive for mutual happiness on this Sunday Funday.
7. A little appreciation goes a long, hard way.
That all being said, we are happy you are happy. But take some mercy on us. It's a very hard, long, veiny... Wait no that's something else. It's a very hard, long, loud, stressful, chaotic, clusterfuck of a day for us, for 17 weeks straight. Please be nice, pat a back, buy a shot, flash a nice smile, whatever it is you can do to show the appreciation of the war we go through on NFL Sundays. Thank you and may The Jesus Bless you and your team.
Ps. I fucking hate you 😘
One of the founders of the SuBourbon Boys Podcast, Doobie brings to the table 9+ years in the restaurant business with his hands in barbacking and restaurant management and everything in between. He thoroughly hates most people, including you. His favorite beer is the tears of stupid drunk girls, and his favorite food is tacos.