Break out the big mugs, the ones that give you carpal tunnel... wet them. Freeze them like a super villain would... fill them. Now...log in, pull up your lineups, and let's do a fucking fantasy football season!!
Gary Barnidge (TE - CLE) vs. BAL
Another sad day for poor RGIII is a turning point for Gary, who dominated under Josh McCown last season. Josh McCown has a huge man crush on Gary Barnidge. And, why wouldn't he? The guy dates MMA chicks.
RATING: ALESMITH SPEEDWAY STOUT
Eli Manning (QB - NYG) vs. NO
Saints. Just... Saints.
RATING: EVIL TWIN DOUBLE BARREL JESUS
Carson Palmer (QB - ARI) vs. TB
Palmer should have no problem picking apart a weak Bucs secondary, and the Cards have a top offensive line coming into 2016.
RATING: DRAGOON LAZARUS
Allen Robinson (WR - JAX) @ SD
I just don't think that Brandon Flowers and Jason Verrett are an adequate match for "The Allens." Whoever isn't busy with Hurns will have their hands full with A-Rob.
Ezekiel Elliott (RB - DAL) @ WAS
Zeke almost made some serious shit happen last week, and the Redskins' (oh, that name) defensive line ranked 27th in the league at the start of the season. The Dallas "Manifest Destiny" Boys' luxury O-line will sell the rosy hued Native Americans down the river, just like what happened back in the Old West. So, grab your steak, ten-gallon hat, and some Budweiser, and watch the slaughter reenacted.
RATING: BELLS EXPEDITION STOUT
Zach Miller (TE - CHI) vs. PHI
If there's one thing the Eagles don't like, it's tight ends. They allowed the 8th least fantasy points to the position in 2015. I don't like this matchup for his quarterback, either.
RATING: MILLER GENUINE DRAFT LIGHT
Jay Cutler (QB - CHI) vs. PHI
The Eagles are atrocious against quarterbacks, surpassed only in suck by the Saints. But, the Bears have an equally abysmal offensive line, and the balance of power should tilt toward Philadelphia. I'm starting Ryan, Fitz, Mariota, Flacco, even Garoppolo over Cutler this week.
RATING: BUD ICE
Frank Gore (RB - IND) @ DEN
I still like Frank Gore. But he's going up against insane monsters with sharp fangs. I don't like his chances behind an unimpressive line that allows tons of quarterback hurries on a QB who will need to get rid of the ball quickly on Sunday.
RATING: B-40 BULL MAX 8%
Arian Foster (RB - MIA) @ NE
The clown prince of running backs is back, and he's trying to find his way back into the groove. I don't think this matchup in Foxboro bodes well for him.
RATING: FOSTERS ICE
Ameer Abdullah (RB - DET) vs. TEN
The Titans' secondary is a train wreck. But, what a lot of people don't know is that their run defense is pretty damn good. The Lions run protection is nothing to write home about, and Ameer has yet to break out as a clearcut starting option in Detroit. I'm starting that old woman who flashed her tits at me under a bridge in L.A. over Abdullah, this week.
RATING: MICHELOB ULTRA
Jeffrey Gray is a fitness expert who consults medical and osteopathic students on clinical skills. He is in desperate need of treatment for his fantasy football addiction. You can reach him on Twitter @graydog or email email@example.com.
Jeff "The Guru" Gray owns Gray Area Fitness, has a BA in Biology from Whittier College, works with osteopathic and medical students at 2 universities, is an avid shooter, acts, writes, and spins fire. Animal lover, Burner, traveller, fantasy football analyst, he's just your typical Tourette's/A.D.D. kid from the suburbs. He currently looks after his codependent dog and neurotic cat. Passion and experience sums it up for The Guru, and new destinations, great shows, cars, and crazy animal adventures are always within his purvey.