Boozle: Redneck 4th of July

Boozle: Redneck 4th of July
 
 

The 'murica that many people live in is far different than the America that most of us live in. The 4th of July is the national holiday most steeped in the nostalgia of a by-gone era in our history. For most, Independence Day conjures up images of small-town America; Andy Griffith's Mayberry meets Disneyland's Main Street bedecked in red, white and blue bunting. The smell of hotdogs and optmistic morality hangs in the air while kids in barefeet run happily through the streets with sparklers. This is the "Great" in the phrase "Make America Great Again."

The reality is something markedly different. Those little kids have grown up, and so have their kids, and then their kids. Instead of sparklers, they're launching bottle rockets out of their butt cracks. The Americana of the small towns of yesteryear has evolved in a progress-resistant microcosm that has spawned a very special and unique demographic: rednecks.

So what happens when you mix the 4th of July with a bunch of rednecks? Let's see what the Boozle machine can tell us about "Redneck 4th of July!"

1. Attire: Sunburns and overalls for the men, Confederate or American flag bikini for the women.

2. If you're using something for the purpose for which it was intended, you're doing it wrong.

3. If you can shoot it out of your buttcrack in an epic fashion, then always shoot it out of your buttcrack in an epic fashion.

4. Proudly display the trophies of your conquests.

5. It ain't a party until this guy shows up. And he shows up everywhere.

6. Sometimes, you just gotta Do You.

Wylie Withers is the Commissioner of the Booze League and Co-Host of the BoozeCast. He spent many years as 1/3 of the comedy improv duo The Merry Misfits of Doom before pursing a Masters in Boozing (with a Marketing focus). His posterior was featured on the final episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, earning him his SAG card. He'd like to give a shoutout to his liver and left kidney for always being there for him. Follow him on Twitter @wyliewithers or reach him via email wylie@boozeleague.com.